Bullying Prevention Skills and Techniques for Children - The answer to the issue of child bullying rests within us, especially the victims of bullying. Victims of bullying are never responsible for being bullied. On the contrary, victims of child bullying have the power in themselves to think, behave, and react in ways that limit or eradicates bullying.
Bullying Prevention Skills and Techniques for Children
By Mark Lakewood, CEO
Aug 28, 2009 - 6:42:40 PM
Child bullying is a big problem in our schools today.
The main difference between child bullying
today from the past is the nature of the bullying and the violence that occurs
in the aftermath.
Cyberbullying is
becoming a popular and more destructive form of bullying than traditional
bullying.
More children today are
bringing guns to school to seek revenge on others.
Child bullying has been around and will
probably remain for years to come.
Unfortunately, we do not have the power to rid the world of bullying.
The answer to the issue of child bullying
rests within us, especially the victims of bullying.
Victims of bullying are never responsible for
being bullied.
On the contrary, victims
of child bullying have the power in themselves to think, behave, and react in
ways that limits or eradicates bullying.
As a society, we spend much of our energy identifying and punishing the
bully that we fail to spend adequate time empowering the victims of child
bullying.
We should spend more of our
energy on the things that we can control rather than the things that we have
limited or no control over.
We need to
teach children about the power that they already possess.
Let me elaborate on a few issues that parents
should teach their children regarding bullying prevention.
Let’s first talk about the characteristics of child
bullying.
Typically, bullies and their
victims share the same characteristic – low self-esteem.
It just depends on whether they internalize
or externalize their feelings that will determine if they will become a bully
or a victim of bullying.
Typically,
negative situations and events in the child’s life can trigger low
self-esteem.
Externalizing feelings can
cause some children to become bullies as they attempt to control their
environment to compensate for their lack of control in their family.
For instance, if the parents of a child are
divorcing and the child is very upset about the divorce, he/she might feel
powerless in his/her ability to keep his/her parents together.
As a result, the child might take out his/her
rage on others for purposes of seeking control to compensate for his/her lack
of control over their parents’ impending divorce.
Given the same scenario (parental divorce), some children
internalize their feelings by not talking or acting out how they feel.
Instead, they become depressed and withdrawn
feeling like a failure.
Often, they
develop a negative image of themselves and their physical appearance.
They look at others and the world around them
with shaded lens.
When a bully validates
this child’s feelings about him/herself, this child often reacts negatively to
the validation because he/she feels the bully is correct in their
interpretation.
Often times, children with high self-esteem do not respond
negatively to bullies because they already know that negative personal
statements made by the bully are untrue and therefore are unworthy of
attention.
As human beings, our behavior, thoughts, and feelings are
never dictated or controlled by others, situations, and events unless we allow
this to occur.
Simply said, others,
situations, and events can trigger a reaction based on what we think.
For example, if I do not want to go to work
today and my car has a flat tire, I might experience happiness because I do not
want to go to work.
On the other hand
given the same event (flat tire), I might want to go to work today to take care
of some unfinished business.
Because the
flat tire might delay or eliminate my chances of getting to work, this
situation might cause me anger.
How
could the same event in both situations cause two different feelings?
It was not the event at all that triggered
the feelings.
It was what I thought
about the event that triggered my feelings.
Therefore, manipulating the way we think can alter how we feel.
We have the power to take ownership and
control over our thoughts.
We however
have limited or no control over specific events, situations, and the behavior
of others.
Sometimes, we attempt to
control events, situations, and others but become frustrated when our attempts
fail.
Now, how does the paragraph above apply to the issue of
bullying prevention?
The main goal of
bullies is to get their victims to experience fear, anger, or sadness.
Once their victim demonstrates signs of these
emotions via the words he/she says, body language, or actions, the bully has
complete and total control over him/her.
The bullying will continue until the victim no longer verbally and/or
physically displays fear, anger, or sadness in response to the bullying.
The bullying will end once the victim
responds the opposite of what the bully expects.
How do we get children to react the opposite of what the
bully expects?
This is where
role-playing comes in handy.
Parents
should regularly sit down with their children helping them learn to react the
opposite of what bullies expect.
Often
times, this task is much easier when the parent knows what hurtful words or
phrases bullies say that makes their children feel fearful, angry, or sad.
Using these hurtful words and/or phrases in
role-plays will emotionally prepare children when they are approached by
bullies.
It is also important to teach children that they have the
power to change or affect the agenda of bullies by the words they use. For
instance, if a bully calls a child ‘stupid’, the child could defuse the
bullying by stating to the bully, “That’s nice”, “How about that”, “Oh, well”,
and so forth.
The worst thing that the
child could do is respond by telling the bully that he/she is stupid or make
other negative statements.
A negative
response will only inflame the situation encouraging further bullying.
In addition, parents should teach and role-play with their
children specific forms of body language that differentiates a child with high
self-esteem from a child with low self-esteem.
Body language communicates feelings more so than spoken words.
If a child yells at a bully stating that
he/she is not bothered by the bully’s behavior, the bully knows that the child
is bothered because of the yelling.
Lack
of eye contact, looking down, slouched posture, lack of hygiene, and low tone
of voice can be viewed as symptoms of low self-esteem.
Parents need to teach their children that bullies rarely get
angry at them.
Bullies are typically
angry at themselves and/or events that occurred or are occurring in their own
life for which they have limited or no control.
Bullies indirectly take out their anger on the ones they could easily
control.
Parents should never teach their children to physically
fight back when approached by a bully.
The problem with fighting back is that children can get themselves into
trouble for engaging in physically assaultive behavior.
Think of it this way – bullies rarely throw
the first punch.
They always entice
their victim into throwing the first punch.
This way when they are asked who started the fight, the bully could
easily and truthfully state that their victim started it.
In addition, there are significant legal
ramifications that can arise as a result of physically assaultive behavior.
It is important to remember that physical violence typically
occurs after a negative verbal interaction.
Violence typically is provoked and rarely unprovoked.
Therefore to avoid violence, the conflict can
and should be defused during the verbal exchange.
This is why the words victims say and their
body language are so significant and detrimental to the outcome of
bullying.
Recent school shootings
suggest that the shooters were bullied by their classmates.
The bullying subsequently provoked the school
violence.
Parents should be cautious when teaching their children to
ignore bullies.
The problem with
ignoring is that the bully knows that his/her behavior is irritating, annoying,
and controlling his/her victim.
Therefore, the bullying will continue.
Parents should be cautious when teaching their children to
report bullying to an adult without first attempting to resolve the conflict on
their own.
Parents should encourage
their children to first attempt to resolve the bullying on their own with the
skills taught above.
If their children
are unsuccessful resolving these issues on their own, they should be encouraged
to report the bullying.
If their children
automatically report the bullying without attempting to defuse the situation on
their own, they will be perceived and labeled as a tattle-tale which will
encourage the bullying to continue.
Parents need to teach their children the correct definition
of the word ‘tattling’.
Some children
think that reporting child misbehavior to adults is considered tattling.
Parents need to teach their children that
reporting on others just to see them get into trouble is considered
tattling.
A child that reports to
his/her parents that his/her brother is picking his nose is considered tattling.
Children always need to report to an adult if
they were physically, sexually, or verbally harmed by others or if they
witnessed others engaging in destructive or illegal behaviors.
It is very easy to feel sympathetic toward victims of child
bullying.
However, it would be more
helpful to the victim if we are more empathic to their needs by empowering them
to diffuse bullying on their own.
As a
result, their ability to defuse the bullying would ultimately raise their level
of self-esteem and self-worth.
Mark Lakewood, CEO, is a distinguished
bullying prevention expert, author, and speaker with over 20 years of clinical
experience as a family therapist.
He provided
clinical and consultation services to school personnel and students on issues
of bullying and behavior management. He facilitates the “Standing Up To
Bullying” Conference, http://www.StandingUpToBullyingConference.com.
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