The Steps of Recovery For Getting Over the Grief of a Breakup - Are you going through the torture of having had a recent breakup? This advice will help you deal with your pain and get on with your life.
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You are here: DIME Home > Relationships > The Steps of Recovery For Getting Over the Grief of a Breakup
Are you going through the torture of having had a recent breakup? This advice will help you deal with your pain and get on with your life.
Author: Dan Harken
Date: Dec 11, 2009 - 6:01:51 AM
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When you're getting over a breakup, there are a lot of things you're dealing with. You will have the constant heartache, of course. You'll also probably be alternating between hoping you'll see them, and hoping you never will.
In fact, you'll be dealing with all the classic signs of grief; this is perfectly normal. Just as with any other bereavement - after all, you have suffered a loss, and like any other, it needs to run its course - there are a number of stages you'll go through.
The Seven Stages of Grief - Yes, They Apply to Breaking Up Too!
Shock and denial: At some level you refuse the reality of the loss, in order to avoid the pain. Shock keeps you from being overwhelmed at once. In a lot of cases, this stage can be prolonged - you might go out partying with friends and family, or throw yourself into your work, or do anything to avoid thinking about the situation.
As the shock and denial start to wear off, you'll start feeling the pain. The tendency here is for people to avoid this by turning to alcohol or drugs, but it's very important that you deal with this. Frustration, guilt, and remorse are very common parts of this phase as well.
The pain and frustration will turn into anger over time. You are likely to lash out at family and friends, seemingly for no reason. When someone dies, people realize that this is part of the natural process, but for some reason, they don't understand it when you're dealing with this type of loss. It's very important to try to limit this.
The next step is depression. This isn't necessarily the clinical type of depression, it just means you'll be sad, lonely. You will probably tend to try to isolate yourself at this time. It's a good time to reflect on things.
At some point, you start to get used to the idea of the loss of your relationship. Everything calms down a little, and everything starts to get a bit closer to normal. This is referred to as 'the upward turn.'
In the next phase, that upward turn continues. You get more used to the idea, and you also start making adjustments to having a life without that person.
Finally, there's acceptance. This doesn't mean that you will have become a care-free person that has completely moved on. There are likely to still be feelings existing. What it means is that you've realized that the relationship is over, and you can start to move on.
Some Specific Tips For Getting Over a Breakup With an Ex
One of the best pieces of advice for getting over a relationship is to sit down and write a letter. Pour out all your feelings toward your ex in this letter - don't hold anything back. Get all your anger, sadness, love on paper. Then, burn it. This allows you to get everything out, and symbolizes getting over it.
You also need to arrange a time to exchange any items the other person might have of yours and that you have of yours, and to arrange any financial matters that might need attention. Look upon this as a good thing, as you won't have those reminders hanging around. It's also a good idea to put any gifts from them out of sight. You don't want constant reminders of them.
After this, it's very important to break off contact. For at least a month, don't call them, text them, 'accidentally' go to the same bar, church, restaurant, or whatever as them.
You need time to start to deal with your grief, and be able to create your own separate life. After that, perhaps you will choose to start interacting again, or perhaps not. The key is that you need to allow yourself to recover. For that, you need time.
Dan Harken is a expert on maintaining healthy relationships, analyzing relationships, dealing with breakups, and getting people back together with their ex after a breakup.
For more information, visit his relationship website or his full index of relationship and breakup advice articles.
View all articles by Dan Harken
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