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The Ultimate Relationship

Rituals and holidays give us an opportunity to step back from our busy lives and reflect upon the spirit of the holiday. Every year in February we celebrate a day that glorifies the spirit of love. Unfortunately, the way we celebrate it has taken us away from the real essence of its spirit. Too much focus is on making the appropriate gesture and reinforces the fact that some of us might not be in a relationship.

Author: Mark Susnow
Date: Feb 9, 2007 - 11:31:49 AM

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Rituals and holidays give us an opportunity to step back from our busy lives and reflect upon the spirit of the holiday. Every year in February we celebrate a day that glorifies the spirit of love. Unfortunately, the way we celebrate it has taken us away from the real essence of its spirit. Too much focus is on making the appropriate gesture and reinforces the fact that some of us might not be in a relationship.

Collectively we are and have been in many different phases of the relationship cycle. While some of us are in new relationships, others are in long term relationships and some of us are not currently in a relationship.

Regardless of what phase we are in, we all have wounds that are preventing us from experiencing deeper levels of intimacy in our lives. Relationships demand trust and risk.

But what holds us back during any phase of this cycle is the fear of again experiencing the pain that we have felt from past rejections or perceived failures. It hurts and we don't want to experience this again. We all have experienced that pain in some form or the other. Let me share with you when it started for me.

I was away from home for the first time at UC Berkeley. There is always someone you meet that you look up to who seems to have all the answers. Mike Breen was that guy for me. I had just turned 17 and at 19 Mike seemed to possess that wisdom and experience about girls that was missing in my life.

I remember the defining conversation like it was yesterday. "Mike what do you do if you meet a girl and you really like her and maybe even love her?" And Mike coolly replied with that air of maturity and experience of a 19 year old. "You tell her how you feel." Now I was really confused. "What if she says she doesn't love you back?" That was one of my biggest fears and a few years later at the end of my junior year I felt that pain of rejection when my girl friend Bobbi told me she loved someone else. I made the decision that I would never feel that pain again so I avoided anyone who could hurt me like Bobbi did.

By looking back and reflecting upon some of my old patterns I understand what I did to avoid the possibility of experiencing this pain again. My favorite approach was to select a partner who was emotionally unavailable. They were hopelessly self centered, in other relationships or afraid of intimacy because of the same wounds that I had experienced. Another approach was to select partners who I knew did not fit my picture of the person I wanted to be with. This allowed me to be in control of the relationship. By focusing on their flaws and imperfections I could keep them at a distance.

I tried to make these relationships work but aftr a while it would become clear to both of us that it was time to move on. The truth was that if I was really honest with myself it was obvious from the very beginning. But because I didn't want to acknowledge that I was single and alone I played out the drama longer than I should have. Now I realize that being in a relationship has nothing to do with being alone. There have been plenty of times when in a relationship I have felt very alone.

Even though I felt that I wanted to be with a life long partner, this pattern of avoidance lasted for many years. During this phase of my life my focus was on overcoming my barriers to having a great relationship. Relationships are great teachers. With each relationship I discovered something new about myself. I was able to bring these new insights into my next relationship. Each relationship brought me closer to where I wanted to be. I experienced a new level of intimacy that affected every relationship that I had. Most importantly I experienced a greater knowing and love of myself. I enjoyed just being in my own presence. The ultimate relationship occurs when you learn to know and love yourself. Until this happens you won't be able to love another person deeply.

Sometimes there's a quote or a poem that resonates with you and makes the biggest difference in your life. It puts everything in perspective. For me, more than anything it was this quote by Anais Nin that inspired me in my quest.
"And the day came when the risk to remain closed in a bud became more painful than the risk to blossom."

As I expanded my capacity to risk I also increased my ability to trust. I embraced my fears, overcame my barriers to intimacy and began attracting a different type of woman; someone who wanted mutuality in a relationship. Soon after I attracted my soul mate, Annie. Annie has always believed in me and brings out the best in me. We have been on this journey together for over 23 years. I would like to share with you a few insights that have enabled me to embrace this path of relationship.

We all want to be with someone who we think is special. Regardless of how special they are if they are not interested in you the same way you are interested in them it will never work. I think most of us really know the truth in the beginning but we long so much for this special type of relationship that we overlook the obvious.

Don't give up on what you really want. Deep inside you know what that is. But along the way learn to love yourself. Don't settle for a partner that on some level you know isn't the right person. If this occurs your heart will always be in conflict with your mind.

We all have dreams and goals. Honor them by asking yourself if you and your partner share the same dream. If you have different dreams and a different vision it's going to be difficult for the relationship to reach its fullest potential. Pay attention to the clues.

And finally remember that there are no guarantees. No matter what phase of the relationship cycle you are in there will be challenges along with great moments of passion and deep caring.

Let's celebrate this Valentine's Day in a different way. Let's celebrate this day as a day of inspiration; an inspiration to open ourselves more to love and loving, love of others and of course ourselves.

© Copyright 2007 Mark Susnow. All Rights Reserved.

Mark Susnow, Personal Coach. Leadership Consultant and inspirational speaker, inspires others to find more fulfillment and success in their life. A former trial attorney for 30 years and musician, he integrates what it takes to be successful in the world with the inner wisdom unfolded to him through years of yoga and meditation. He has been a popular speaker for many prestigious organizations such as the SF Commonwealth Club and for many other private organizations. He has been a frequent guest and host on the popular radio show Seeing Beyond. Excerpts from these shows are available on his website. Most recently he is a coauthor along with such illuminaries Zig Ziglar, Denis Waitley, Brian Tracy and Jim Rohn in the book 101 Great Ways to Improve your Life. To find out more about Mark and his services, be sure to visit his website www.inspirepossibility.com - Here's what one of his clients had to say.

"I initially began working with Mark in order to bring balance to my life, a typical workaholic professional striving to rediscover the creativity and fun of younger days. In the course of achieving that balance, unexpected additional possibilities emerged, such as making space for a life partner, that make my life richer. Mark has made a tremendous impact in my life by challenging me to take a fresh look at the things I already know with an eye toward achieving the unimaginable."
Matthew Webb, Attorney-at-Law

View all articles by Mark Susnow

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